My dilemma-Andrew Needs Your Help

My name is Andrew. I’m not a good story teller but I’ll try to let you know what I have been carrying in my mind for so long and would like to know whatever help you can

give me. I want to put across my mind the way I can and need your candid advice. You are very free to condemn my action but all I need now is what I should do to get my life in place once again. I’M REALLY dieing.

 

Two years into my stay in the university I joined a group I thought was just another students’ club as I was told. Back in the village I wasn’t particularly a quiet person but I refrained from certain things like smoking and drinking .I also had no exclusive relationship with any female(girlfriend).

In fact I was a virgin before I entered the university despite
the pressure I had about sex from my secondary school days until my first year in the university....But what happened to me?

My parents were not pagans but they were also

not serious Christians. They went to church but it mad no serious impact on either them or them or us their children. My mom was relatively rich. She sold ivory, beads and assorted jewellery. My dad was a director in one of the government health agencies. So I was born into a relatively comfortable home. I had a couple of things that my mates envied. But I felt a bit empty inside. I could not actually explain my feelings or what caused it. All I knew was that sometimes I felt lonely and needed some company and appreciation. There was a void in me that nobody seemed to understand and I sought hard to fill.

 Then I got admission into the university to read chemical engineering. Once in the university I saw myself surrounded by myriad of friends of all shades and colours, shapes and sizes. I felt very free and unrestrained in my quest to find fulfilment. Then I can’t now recall how everything happened but I found myself going out with some boys and girls who influenced me into drinking and smoking. It was at this time that I was also introduced to sex. The girls in our company were somehow always available and had a way of arranging other girls for any of us. I plunged deep into this life. 

The little moral sense I had from some Christians who visited our house and from church simply disappeared don’t know if I even had any conscience anymore. Still I felt this void and needed something o fill it. One day we moved to a club and after a good night of absolute nothings, we could not come back to the hostel. We invaded a private female hostel outside the campus and raided the place. I actually raped one of the girls. 

She was a virgin! 

My heart aches and is totally restless as I write this. I knew this particular girl on campus but I’m sure she could never recognize I was the one who violated her. She was from my village, can you imagine that? After about 4 months I came home and saw her in the village. You know what? She was pregnant! Something in me told me strongly that I was responsible, but nobody will ever know, even the girl herself. I knew this because she was a virgin the night I forced her and I can still hear that silent sobs as I had my way on an innocent girl.

 Sometimes the mere sight of her makes me feel like jumping into the river and damning all the consequences....and this feeling can really be very strong sometimes. I am dying inside. On one of the days I even met her at the hospital where she had come to see the doctor with her mom. And since I saw her there I had not been myself. I even contemplated suicide many times as I felt more empty and dirty and useless. There is no meaning in life for me.

Her family was Christian and had really passed through a lot of ridicule and pains. Both parents were leaders in the church. She safely delivered of a baby boy. She had left school and was living with the reverend sisters until then. About one year and 11 months, she was back to school and nobody could know she ever gave birth unless very close friends and some family members.

 Four solid years have gone now since all this happened, and the boy looks every bit like me and is always there in the house whenever I go home. I am now through with my studies and have gone back to the faith once again, giving my life to Jesus. I have since been trying to amend all my wrongs now but one very fundamental problem eating deep into my bone is this: I am sure that this boy, Kosisochukwu is mine, though no one knows but how do I start the claim?

 How do I reveal my deed? Just how do I start the story and this convoluted journey to claim a boy that is already so attached to his family? Will anyone believe me or forgive me? I want my child that I see everyday growing into a smart intelligent healthy lad in front of me. I feel like exploding and melting into nothing, like a part o me is missing and I can’t do anything about it.

I am seeing my own son, living without the joy of a true father and there is nothing I can do. I see this innocent lad calling another man “daddy” and i am imagining what will eventually happen when he’ll find out that the man he had called day all his life was indeed his mom’s father.

What should I do?  

Somebody help please.

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